George Carlins NEW RULES for 2007

[The_Sage]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're
a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his [censored] will
be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
[censored]. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge [censored].

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your [censored]. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is
that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having other people buyit for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,
dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months."
"He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

[CoeburnCane]

These were originally his rules for 2005 I believe...just been passed on with the year changed.

Honestly--I also believe I saw somewhere that he didn't even write these, they were just attributed to him.